The Schema of Mistrust
When the schema of Mistrust is activated in our system, we become burdened with the belief that all relationships are painful experiences, because we simply can’t trust the other person, or we can’t trust our own judgement about the other person. Relationships, whether friendships or intimate partnerships, become places where we just can’t relax or become emotionally vulnerable in any way. Instead, they are a representation of dangerous and unpredictable experiences that activate a level of fear in our system that’s overwhelming to deal with. When in this particular state of mind, we become rigidly attached to the belief that people will hurt us, betray us, and use us, and as a result, we have to stay on guard at all times. It becomes extremely hard for us to trust people, even the ones we are closest too. In fact, it may be particularly the ones we are closest too that we are most unable to trust.
In many cases, this schema will activate an automatic assumption that people secretly mean us harm. If this is the case, when someone does something nice for us, our mind searches for the ulterior motive, and we generally expect people to lie to us and to try to take advantage of us in some way. At the same time, dialectically speaking, there may be a story that’s attached to the schema of mistrust around our own decision making. As a result, we search around, from person to person, trying to find the answer that gives us the concrete solution to the problem we are faced with, but never actually choosing to take any action ourselves. This schema is strongly linked to unmet childhood needs of autonomy, and it is usually created as a result of childhood choices being suppressed or denied in the family of origin.
“I usually had a hard time accepting compliments from others, as I was always looking for the ulterior motive, lacking trust in the persons intent”
The schema of mistrust for me, was connected to a story of manipulation. In my past, I was looking for the hidden meaning behind the reason people did things. I found it hard to accept that someone had genuine intentions behind their actions, and it regularly left me sitting in a system filled with fear and anxiety. In relationships, I struggled to relax and lacked the ability to express myself with any level of vulnerability. This was extremely problematic for me personally, as my vulnerable child was lonely, and the burden of loneliness is lifted by making connection, which can’t be made without some degree of vulnerability.
I was constantly on my guard, never allowing myself to be truly seen, hiding my insecurities behind humour. This was always the way it went until I felt that it was safe to lower my guard. At which point, my anxious fearful attachment would kick in, and I would flood the other person with my thoughts and feelings. This usually pushed them away, confirming my belief that I “Shouldn’t” have trusted them in the first place, solidifying the schema as a fact in my mind, and definitely not a fabricated story.
"In relationships, I struggled to relax and lacked the ability to express myself with any level of vulnerability."
~Steven Morris RP.
Mistrust can often, but not always, be as a result of abuse. Which, for obvious reasons, brings about a part of our personality that sits in hypervigilance. If this is you, then you are constantly on your guard, and you spend your time assuming that other people mean you harm. This belief may be directed at the whole world, or just one particular group of people, depending on your experiences and the filters you have acquired along the way.
It is also worth remembering that the schema of mistrust may not always be directed to the outside world. It is extremely common for people stepping into making changes, trying to live the life they want to live, to harbour feelings of mistrust for Self. Constantly second guessing the decisions they make, confused about the direction they should take, seeking the guidance from others for confirmation. If this is you, the schema of mistrust may be coupled with a story of dependence. Either way, it is common that we are left with parts of our personality that have a deep sense of despair, anxiety and depression are an ever-present experience, as we find ourselves actively struggling against a state of fight or flight.
Schema of Mistrust Worksheet
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