The Compliant Surrender Mode
When the Compliant Surrender mode is active in our system, we find ourselves either accepting the “messages” we see in the world around us as fact or buying into the narrative being put forward by our own internal critics as completely accurate, without the ability to see these stories in any other way. For example, if my Internal Critics are telling me, I am defective and I should feel ashamed, I believe this to be true, and begin to behave accordingly trying desperately to avoid the emotional experiences attached to these debilitating messages. When blended with the parts that behave this way, we never take on difficult challenges, because we comply with the message that we will fail, and we work really hard to make sure we’re not exposed to those around us as being incompetent or defective in any way.
On the other side, dialectically speaking, when compliant to the messages we receive externally, we give in to what the people around us want us to do, we submit to their desires and do everything they say, giving in to their subjective narrative over our own thoughts, feelings, wants, and needs. This is usually done to “keep the peace” in some way, or to avoid an emotional experience that’s created by the possibility of rejection or abandonment if we speak up for what we want. When practiced externally with others, the Compliant Surrender Mode is often labeled as “people pleasing” or, “enabling” behaviour. When we surrender to the negative internal narrative, it is common for this to lead to a life of sadness, loneliness, and even depression, depending on the story our internal critics are putting out there in our thoughts.
“When I stepped into recovery, other than my use of substance, my coping mechanisms were completely unknown to me. My people pleasing behaviour was quickly identified as the new way for me to deal with my underlying issues.”
~ Steven Morris RP
People pleasing is often referenced as behaviour pattern that comes to the forefront when building a recovery lifestyle. In Schema Mode Therapy this is identified as the part of your personality that follows the behaviours of Compliant Surrender. Usually, in response to a fear of rejection, failure, shame, or any of the schema that are connected to a sense of abandonment. Compliant Surrender in relation to the external world, meant that I gave in to what the people around me wanted me to do, whatever their desires were. I did everything they wanted me to do, usually at the expense of my own thoughts and feelings to avoid the possibility of rejection or abandonment in some way.
This behaviour pattern allowed me to avoid confrontation in relationships and build a mirage of popularity that provided respite from my own faltering self esteem. However, over time, this way of dealing with my internal Vulnerable Child’s fear of rejection, and the loneliness associated with it, caused a resentment to build that would manifest in angry outbursts of rage and verbal abuse. Constantly meeting the needs of others left me with a strengthened sense of disconnection and loneliness. My schema of social isolation would dominate my system, reminding me of the fact that nobody understood me, heard me, and at times even saw me.
The guilt and shame associated with this sense of loneliness was the hardest thing for me to deal with in the early part of my recovery journey. The temptation to escape was strong, I struggled with a desire to run away from everything I was expected to do, and my inner Angry Child would fight for dominance in my system with my state of Compliant Surrender. It was a constant battle of mode flipping that left me questioning my sanity on a regular basis. From anger to surrender, back and forth, dictated by what schema was dominating my beliefs at that time. Awareness for my stories and the parts of my personality that were activated in an attempt to navigate the beliefs associated with their hold on me was the only way I found to take the steps towards creating the Life I want to Live, not staying stuck in the life I used to be stuck in!!
In the PDF below, you will find a documented version of this page along with a worksheet that’s designed to help you figure out what the Compliant Surrender Mode looks like when it's activated within your personality system. Take some time to download it, print it out, and work through the questions and exercises contained in it slowly. If you can, allow yourself to sit with the experience of the Compliant Surrender Mode. Keep in mind, this will be an extremely difficult thing to do as the emotional experience of this part are coping mechanisms for the uncomfortable and unwanted emotional experiences we avoid the most.
Download The Compliant Surrender Mode PDF
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