Notice the Distress

When we combine the skills of Dialectical Behaviour Therapy with the theories of personality involved in Schema Therapy, managing the behavioural responses that are causing the problems we want to eliminate from our lives means managing the modes of behaviour as they cycle through their automatic responses to our uncomfortable emotional experiences. Mode management is all wrapped up in using the DBT Skills of Distress Tolerance in combination with the new internal narrative we’re developing through our use of the RAAVEN exercise. This means building into our daily routines the many different aspects of the DBT ACCEPTS skill so we can learn new habits to distract and avoid in a healthy and effective way. As well as incorporating each part of the DBT IMPROVE skill into our daily mindfulness practice so we can build the capability to sit with the emotional experiences we fear the most and explore the different stories that add unnecessary meaning to our daily lives.

“When we venture outside of our window of emotional tolerance, we enter into a state of emotional distress. Knowing what this looks like, and building awareness for its presence in our system, is the only way we learn how to activate STOP!”

~Steven Morris RP.

When practicing Distress Tolerance, everything starts with STOP. Which is why, in my opinion, the STOP skill is the most important skill for us to first build an understanding for, and then put into practice every single day, multiple times within each 24-hour period.For me, when I first started living the life I wanted to live, by learning and practicing the skills of DBT, on average, I was probably using the STOP skill 40 to 50 times a day. And while this may sound like a daunting proposition, in actuality when we begin to notice the number of times we go in and out of distress, its actually quite practical. So, what does it mean for us to go into a state of distress, and how can we build awareness for this internal way of being? From the perspective of the work we do when combining the skills of DBT with the theories of personality associate with Schema Therapy, Distress is a fear based state that activates one of the 5 automatic coping mechanisms associated with what is more commonly known as the Fight or Flight response.

The term fight or flight is a little misleading when it comes to how we cope with fear. Every single one of us has a window of tolerance inside of which we are quite capable of dealing with the situation we’re facing in an adaptive and effective way that keeps us in line with living the life we want to live, and being the person we want to be. This window of tolerance is dependant on a number of different factors. First, where abouts on the continuum of emotional sensitivity we might fall. In other words, what temperament, or nature were we born with. On one side of this continuum, we have nonreactive, where there are people who are completely disconnected from there emotions, they lack empathy for others, or understanding for how people might feel at any point in time, which often includes their own emotional state. On the other side of the continuum sit those of us that are extremely sensitive to our emotional experiences. Where feelings hit us like a Mack truck out of nowhere. The mildest hint of an emotive sensation sends our system spiraling into a state of fight or flight.

"Our emotional experiences are driven by the story we have about the situation we are facing. Noticing the distress that’s activated by these stories, and building awareness for their presence in our system, is key to making behavioural changes."

~Steven Morris RP.

Almost all of us fall somewhere between these 2 extremes. For me, I identify as someone who falls on the side of emotional sensitivity, which means my window of tolerance for regulating my reactions to the emotional experience I’m having is smaller than someone who is on the nonreactive side of the line. This window of tolerance also gets smaller due to the different experiences we had growing up, and the way we live our lives right now. When we’re not taking care of our physical needs, eating a healthy diet, exercising on a regular basis, practicing good sleep hygiene, and avoiding mood altering substances, our window of tolerance shrinks. When we’ve experienced childhood trauma, things that can be identified as leaving us with unmet childhood needs, the window of tolerance shrinks a little more.

A lack of self awareness, the kind that comes from the practice of mindfulness as an adult, is also a contributing factor to the window once again being diminished in its size. So, if you’re someone who was born with emotional sensitivity, who grew up in an emotionally invalidating environment. You experienced childhood trauma, you lack self awareness, and you’re not taking care of yourself both emotionally and physically, there’s a high probability you spend most of your time in a fear-based state outside of your own window of opportunity to regulate your behavioural responses to the situations you’re in.

As I said before, the term fight or flight is a little bit misleading. First, there are at least 5 different responses instead of the 2 most people commonly know. And it also seems to be the case that the 2 most people are aware of aren’t really known with an accurate representation of what they actually mean. Next let’s go over the 5 different responses to shed some light on how we notice their launch within our personality system, and the activation of our parts. In the PDF at the bottom of this page, you will find more information about each aspect of the fight or flight system, as well as a worksheet to help highlight your common responses. If you can, download it and take the time to work through the process slowly.Journal about the situations in your life where you think this might be active. Build awareness for your behavioural responses and reflect on the possibility of fear within your personality system.It’s only when we are able and willing to actually take this type of work on, we can effectively build the capability to make the changes we want to make.

Download the PDF Worksheet