Attachment Styles
The concept of attachment theory began with a British psychologist named John Bowlby. In the 1950s, he was fascinated by how children form emotional bonds with their primary caregivers. He believed that these early relationships shape our ability to connect with others for the rest of our lives, and his philosophy revolved around the idea that infants are biologically wired to seek closeness to a caregiver, not just for physical needs like food and shelter, but also for emotional connection too. This bond is our first model of love, safety, and trust. If that bond is consistently warm and responsive, the child learns the world is a safe place, that people can be trusted, and therefore internalizes these feelings.
At the same time, if it’s inconsistent, neglectful, or even frightening… the child adapts to this fear, but not always in healthy and effective ways. In the 1970s, psychologist Mary Ainsworth took Bowlby’s original research a step further with her famous 'Strange Situation' study. During which she spent time observing how infants react when their primary caregiver leaves them for a period of time and then returns. This research helped with the identification of the different styles of attachment. Particular behaviours we develop in relationships as humans, throughout the early years of life.
“On one side of the continuum, we have a sense of secure attachment, and on the other we are completely disconnected, with no sense of attachment whatsoever.”
~Steven Morris RP.
As a result of the culmination of all of this work, it was originally hypothesised that there were 3 styles of attachment. Then later, as the research continued, a 4th style was added to the theory. The following is a list of these 4, and if you’re inclined to go through your own research into this subject, you may find different terminology for each of them. But to be quite honest, this is mainly just semantics, as whatever language we choose to refer to them as, these are the 4 Attachment Styles that are widely accepted by all.
Secure
Anxious
Avoidant
Disorganized
Next, we’re going to spend some time breaking down each of these four main styles and shedding some light on which one may be most dominant for you inside of your own relationship dynamics. It can be helpful to think of your attachment style as your “relationship blueprint," which when we integrate this into our work with Schema Therapy and DBT, begins to make a hell of a lot more sense as to why we do what we do. It’s also really important to keep in mind that whichever attachment style you recognize, or even identify with for yourself, it is on a continuum of intensity.
In other words, it’s not as black and white as being connected to a rigid on or off switch. On one side of the continuum, we have a sense of secure attachment, and on the other we are completely disconnected, with no sense of attachment whatsoever. The more meaning a relationship has to us, the more emotional distress gets activated when things are either not going the way we want them too, or they’re going way better than we expected. So as a result, the probability of insecure attachment behaviours getting activated in our personality system increases, and our maladaptive coping mechanisms begin to play out. It’s also true that, to some degree, everyone has their insecurities inside of important relationships. As I said before, the more meaning a relationship has for us, the more our insecurities play out.
“When we feel safe and secure within a relationship dynamic, most people display a sense of secure attachment in what they do and how they behave.”
~Steven Morris RP
If when these insecurities begin to show up, I am able to process them in an adaptive and effective way, then I remain within my window of opportunity for emotion regulation, and I behave in ways that help me to be who I want to be inside this important relationship. If we don’t have the skills to handle the distress that comes with our activated insecurities, our system leaves the window of opportunity, and we’re now in a primal state, seeing everything through the lens of either Fight, Flight, Freeze Submit or Distract. At the same time, when we feel safe and secure within a relationship dynamic, most people display a sense of secure attachment in what they do and how they behave. In the PDF below, we go over each of the attachment styles in more detail, and if you want to know how to use the skills of DBT and Schema Therapy to change your Attachment Style, take a look HERE.
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