The Healthy Adult Mode
Here we are going to turn our attention to the Healthy Adult Modes of behaviour that are already present within your personality system, along with identifying how you can tach those parts that may be using ineffective and maladaptive modes right now, how to be effective and adaptive versions of themselves. Before we dig deeper into the Healthy Adult within us all, it ‘s important to understand that this particular mode encompasses a number of different parts, that can take on a variety of different behaviours, all guided by a healthy, harmonious, sense of self. When our Healthy Adult Mode is in full swing, we are living in an internal space that is dominated by our Adaptive and Effective Childhood Schema, and we are generally living according to our authentic core values and beliefs. This is in essence what I mean by “Living the Life I Want to Live.” When in this mode we are generally able to access our internal state of Wise Mind, and we feel balanced, harmonious, and effective in the things we do, and the way we see the world. When I am living this way myself, I am filled with what Internal Family Systems (IFS) calls Self Energy, and I have the ability to Observe and Describe my parts in real time, without any judgement or agenda.
“Recognizing the many different parts of my personality that are involved in my Healthy Adult mode is key to creating the Life I Want to Live. Building on the strengths I already possess requires awareness for their existence in the first place.”
~Steven Morris RP
When I am in the zone of the Healthy Adult mode, my actions are influenced by useful and adaptive thinking, and I’m able to access the behaviors, and skills I need to function effectively in adult life. This contains the healthy, competent, parts of our personality that have the ability to nurture, validate and affirm the vulnerable child mode; it uses the skills that gives us the ability to set limits for our emotional child modes; it promotes and supports the Playful Child mode; it recognizes, and works with our maladaptive coping modes; and it moderates and re-educates our dysfunctional critic modes.
The adult in this mode also performs appropriate functions such as working, parenting, acting responsibly, and committing to obligations; pursuing pleasurable adult activities such as intellectual, aesthetic, and cultural interests and hobbies; engages in consensual sex; and maintains well-being routines such as ensuring a healthy diet along with adequate sleep and exercise. This mode is full of Self energy and brings compassion and curiosity to every situation, it generates our ability to Live the Life we Want to Live, being the person we want to be, in the areas of life that are important to us, according to our true authentic values and beliefs
My own personal Healthy Adult mode is filled with multiple parts of my personality, the many different parts of my system that I honestly didn’t pay attention to on a regular basis because their behaviours didn’t cause any significant problems in my life. In fact it was quite the contrary, as most of these parts were doing what they had to do in a pretty healthy way. The problem with this is that much like any individual person, if they don’t receive the acknowledgement, gratitude, appreciation, and most importantly, the validation for what it is they’re doing, then sooner or later they are going to give up and say Fuck it to living the life we want to live.
“Appreciation and gratitude are key to developing our Healthy Adult Parts. Without this practice as part of our daily routines, its common for these behaviours to fall by the wayside, leading us back into the old way of doing things”
~Steven Morris RP.
The Healthy Adult mode is the way we access our own sense of Wise Mind that is filled with Self energy. This Mode contains the parts of us that know what to say to the child parts of our personality when they are angry, entitled, impulsive, and undisciplined. The Healthy Adult mode calms our system by activating the parts of us that practice mindfulness meditation, teaching our coping parts how to be healthy versions of themselves, and educating our critics on the appropriate language of motivation rather than deprivation. For me, my Healthy Adult mode was buried deep within my system, smothered by the parts of my personality that dominated my adult behaviour patterns in an attempt to control my emotional state, and keep my vulnerable child safe from perceived danger.
The only way to bring these parts to the forefront of my actions was to recognize, acknowledge and appreciate their existence. The parts of me that want to be a good parent, partner or sibling, the parts of me that know how to work hard, exercise, cook healthy meals, and organize my day, are all important aspects of my Healthy Adult mode. When I ignore their existence, I am ignoring what it means to be the real me that I truly want to be. When we engage these “healthy” parts of our personality, the parts that engage in effective behaviours, it opens up the possibility of compassionate interactions with every other important part of our entire system. The Self energy we find inside the Healthy Adult mode is always available to us, it sits dormant, hidden by the fear we’ve created for living our life. Fear of guilt, shame, sadness, and loneliness inhibits our ability to live the Life we Want to Live, and it’s only with this state of Wise Mind and an abundance of Self energy that we can provide the space for these fears to be addressed.
In the PDF below, you will find a worksheet that’s intended to help you understand what your Healthy Adult might look like within your own unique personality system. Use it in conjunction with the Personality Map and the Values and Beliefs Exercises to build your appreciation, gratitude and acknowledgement for these important parts of your personality and the behaviours they use to help you Live the Life you Want to Live.
Download the Healthy Adult Mode PDF
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